Saucy Panto Review

“Pantos, by and large, are shit”

That’s what the playbill has to say, very informative.

Once again I’m stuck going alone to something. That is Christmas. So now I know the feeling of brooding being alone during this terrible time of the year is worse than the loathing of finding yourself stuck with people you don’t want to be with. But that’s another story. Right now, I’ve gone to a live show, a pantomime, alone meaning I’m stick out like a sore bum. Going alone here is worse than going to the movies alone. I have yet to experience dining at a fancy restaurant alone. After all you need someone to talk to after the show, about how good or shite it was. And if it was shite, you have find something, often crazy to do, in order to make up for the shiteness.

But I’ll tell you right now that Saucy Panto was not shite, or shit or shot. It was highly entertaining, featuring low-brow, witty humour filled with bad puns, crossing-dressing (both ways), a girl scout that looks like she’s out of Californian porno and a masturbating puppet that comes so loud you think he going to fire marrow.

The stage was covered in oversized Xmas presents and wooden cutout of a tree, it was weird and kinda trippy. The characters were an array of misfits. Temperance, the boy-hero is played by Miss Van Berkhout, falling in with the tradition of Pantos that the boy is played by a girl. Temperance desires Faintly (Miss Gleeson) the Cinderella of the story. Faintly’s stepmother, The Dame, is Mr Clapham (another tradition of Pantos, I’m told, is the hairiest man of the troupe play the female lead. It’s works) whose evil twin daughters, Naughty and Nice (Misses Stangret and Milthorpe, respectively) who talk in sync and have the murderous strain of certain Christmas Critters. The Lord of Misrule (played by Mr McKenna) is Dionysus, with a sexual appetite that would put Ron Jeremy to shame. Misrule is attempting to swindle club owner Mr Pinchbottom (Mr Roberts) who needs a Christmas show for his patrons. And Pinchbottom is attempting to avoid an Accountant (Miss Jacobs) from sending a report back to Internal Revenue. Meanwhile there’s a Vicar (Mr Zubler) that wants to sin, a Town Gossip, Mrs Twinge, (Miss Pugh) that wants be scandalous, Mr Squelch, a turf-obessed farmer and Candy Cain (waka waka), a hot Girl Scout (Ms McKenna) thrown into the mix as well. Lastly, there is the chronically waking elf, Winkleton, which is the Puck and puppet master of this entire affair.

The whole story involves theft, betrayal, attempted murder, Christian Values, lust, kidnapping, leopard panties, cross dressing, puns, murder, beheading, more theft, a screaming orgasm, shotgun marriages, weird affairs, some singing, hubris, revenge, murder (yet, again) and finally love. A real crazy show that you don’t know what’s going to be involved until you see it. I saw the last show this evening, however, if luck prevails or a video is bootlegged to the internet, then we will see it all again. I give this one 4 and a half stars. I would give it more but people are often confused by more complex fractions.

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