It robbed me of my life. Not a big part, but enough to feel diminished. Then straight after the tentative posting of the assignment, it was straight into study for the exam. At this point I’m already drained. I push on. I study at work as after hours its gets quiet and there are less distractions where I live. I would come into work on the weekends, just to use the good parts of every Sunday to study. I was becoming a zombie, there was nothing else in my life but study, which at first tasted like ashes, but as you might know, if it’s the only thing you have, you get used to it. Then came the exam, the most stressful experience of my life, so far. I’m glad I didn’t throw up.
I did all I could, while my hand decided to lock up into some malformed claw. The pain I learned to ignore, but I’m sure it was creeping up my arm. I eventually got the shakes near the end. It was so bad that I could barely write. I finished all that I could and then left.
Then I waited.
My problem was that after so much study, and stress, and study, and work, I had trouble relaxing. I still hung back after actually finishing, even though I had nothing else to do. I still came in on a Sunday, because I got into a terrible habit. I practically brainwashed myself. I even felt depressed over the fact that I had nothing to occupy my time. This is what this course has done to me. I’m getting over it, but its slow.
The ultimate problem behind all of this for me, is this is the eleventh hour. This is the last course for my degree. This is also the last chance to get the degree. Apparently, I burned a bridge with the university and now I’m only a student with them as a kind of technicality. I’m a guy who managed to get back in because I stumbled through a loophole with the system and it worked brilliantly.
For two weeks, I waited with baited breath. I have almost become physically ill from the very idea of what my result might be. All I need is a pass, but the Universe and I have often come to loggerheads about what I need and what I get, so there you go. Prior to the result being released, I felt sick to my core, like weird alien parasites eating my small intestine. That hollowing drop and cold, sick feeling in your Manipura Chakra, that undeniable dread. Just the thought of visiting the site give me this.
The time of the results being released, and for me, the moment of truth, the reckoning comes. I log into the university’s website. And the result is displayed with a goldenrod background:
My results were not released. I rang the university to get some answers, after being directed around their switchboard, I talked to a Sheryl. She politely explained to me that the results were not released, as the course leader, had left the university before finalising the course.
I only had stunned silence, but Sheryl continued. She explained that the while all the exams had been marked, they were not finalised and while the course leader was probably on some boat with Moroccan boys, the marks would be finalised by another and would be released later.
And although this time is soon, I am now unsure how I will survive my weekend. I had pent myself up so much that even failing looks like a good prospect, because at least I’ll know, no more waiting, no more trying to keep myself distracted with pointless tasks and being busy with nothing. I would be able to move on.
So to you jackass, time-eating, life-wasting, duty-balking, course leader: you are a chaos-worshipping shiteater.
Addendum: A very tense week later, the university released my results. I got a distinction for the course and would (finally) graduate. Thanks, “Anonymous” I forgot to include that part.