This isn’t a so-called “Dark Night of the Soul”. I know where I stand. I have booze, but it’s too special to get drunk on and I have no cash, even for something cheap and nasty; to strip the lining of my stomach. Somewhere there was a Christmas party on, all paid by the people who employ me. But I didn’t go. As my day went, what was feigned interest, turned sour to a complete objection to go. I would rather sit in an empty townhouse, stone sober and angry, to stew. I thought it was a better choice than to hang around people I work with while they got shitfaced, knowing I couldn’t have the same, or have a decent conversation. Plus I hate crowds, they set something off inside of me and it always ends with me playing taxi or leaving early, because I’m bored out of my gourd.
I’m sick of the people I have encountered all week that use every other part of their bodies to think, except for their brains. Some say that instinct is a gut feeling, but it really exists in the skull. It’s called the reptile brain and inside our heads, it sits near the brain stem and gives us the fight or flight reactions we have carried since before the dawn of civilization. These are the things that quickly weigh up whether to attack or retreat, and if not that, attempt to fuck and/or eat it. If anything they run away. Or fuck it up and then run away. And I’m left at the scene wondering, “what horrible accident have you left at my feet?”
Despite how ever busy I find myself at work, I find myself either bored or held-up to the point that it feels that my hands are tied. And the more I try to nail down, the more liquid it feels. Even though I try to gain the help of others I know it’s impossible to rely upon them. There only small moments where people will come to the fore, but then they’re gone. Walked off stage by directions you don’t know and never in the script you received. And I guess this is why I never make plans, not big ones, because in my experience, plans only lead to gross disappointment. This is why I take my days as they come, because at some point they’ll just run out. Welcome to the motherfucking Vampire Hours